Another Day, Another Headache...for Elouise

Hello Extended Family,
Many of you have yet to meet me, but let me assure you that mom has your pictures everywhere, and talks about or is talking to you guys when she should be playing with me. I'd like to tell you a little about myself before I get started. I was born in a little house across town from where I live now. My brothers and sisters could never top me and I was could conquer any who challenged me. I would race around the house, up and down stairs as fast and my tottering legs could carry me. My previous owners nicknamed me Paisley but considered how deadly I am, it seemed a bit to ironic for mom and so when she brought me home and thought about it Elouise fit me perfectly (according to her). I'm beautiful, but dangerous just like the Heloise who got her teacher/lover castrated. Anyway, my nature didn't really change when I moved to this new home and I still like to tear the place up. The bathroom door is permanently closed because I unrolled two rolls of toilet paper, the trash cans have to be emptied though only half full because I simply can't resist the luscious smell of snot on a tissue, no speaker is safe from me and dad has come close to banning me from the house because of an incident with one of his speaker wires and something that controls all the speakers, I guess it's expensive, and mom likes to compare me to a relative, Nipper, because I hide in our playhouse and as unsuspecting people walk by I attack with the fury of an army and no foot has escaped my scathing claws. My brother Ninja (not a great name for his skill level) has yet to beat me even after my surgery. This surgery actually brings me to my real purpose today.
Two weeks ago I was spayed, and ya I guess Bob Barker should be thanked for that. The surgery went well and the doc said I would be good as new in a few days, they used new technology which reduces healing time...in most cats. But being the frisky girl that I am my lifestyle couldn't be put on hold just because my stomach was sliced open recently. So as the days wore on and those stupid stitches stretched each time I jumped or ran or pummeled Ninja they got sooo itchy and like any sane cat I licked. Mom found out and was livid; took me straight to the docs unfortunately for me and mom's wallet I had an infection and had to have a cone and antibiotics for ten days, hence that ridiculous picture up there. I hate the blimey cone, it is more than just stupid looking, it's debilitating. This should never leave the family, but the other Ninja actually felled me. I was perched on the couch watching T.V. with mom and dad when Ninja jumped up and because he was behind me and the cone cuts off all peripheral vision he was able to tackle me and roll me off the couch. Don't worry I got him back later though, cone and all.As I've suffered through this humiliating and irritating ordeal my thoughts have turned to you my family and God my creator and his terrible sense of humor. I often find my hours turned to thoughts of him and what he must be thinking to put me through such 'trials and tribulations.'I've come to the conclusion that God is telling me that I should turn to mom and dad and ask their forgiveness for all my terrible deeds and tell them that I love them, and that maybe I should be nicer to Ninja after all he can't help it that he's pathetic and has no natural fighting skills like me, and that my family though I have yet to meet them are pretty great and if they mean that much to mom then they must be worthy of such admiration.
...Well repentence is a long process...